I can’t speak for all women (even
though I tend to try), but a lot of my self esteem comes from my
ability to perform tasks well. Like bowling, or making people laugh or getting really good grades
in school. My parents were never the type to stand over me and push me
to do well. I pushed myself. Poor performance on an exam or in a class
meant that I was not good at something and made me look bad next to my
friends.

The fact that I did well in school left me with a lot of confidence
and self worth when I moved on and began doing other things. I knew
that I could do just about anything if I wanted to, which is how I
approached the job hunt after college and how I continue to approach
every task that is put in front of me. I know I am intelligent and
capable and that leaves me with a sense of comfort and mental clarity
as I go through life.

I can totally understand, then, the results of a recent study
that claim that women who are expelled or drop out of high school
experience a much higher rate of mental instability and depression than
men.
For one thing, the inability to complete a task will weigh on anyone;
especially one that will affect the course of the rest of your life.
And, because women tend to be more in tune with their emotions, it
makes sense that this would affect them more than their male
counterparts. (Or at least what those macho, “I’m fine” boys are
reporting.)

It is also a lot easier for men to make a life for themselves without a high school degree. There are many more jobs available
to men than to women, like plumbers, mechanics, and working in
construction. Yes, women can do those things too, but do they? Is there
a 50/50 split in those industries? No. If women have limited job
opportunities, how can they ever pull themselves up and feel confident
about the life they are living?

The results of this study are sad and telling, but will
hopefully do more than just bring this issue to light. Education is the
foundation of EVERYTHING in this country and – as we see here – it
provides a lot more than a piece of paper on graduation day.

Back in January 2007, Denise wrote a post on BlogHer about her teen daughter's positive experience getting a Gardasil vaccination. The very first comment, made by Donna, noted that after her 15 year old daughter received the shot, she has had headaches and double vision. Donna wondered if anyone else had a similar experience. Atena, from Assumptions, Biases, & Irrational Fantasies and My Life as a Radical Whore, eloquently voiced my thoughts on the new vaccine: "And of course my general suspicion of the pharmaceutical industry leads me to wonder about how well tested this drug is."

So, how well tested is it? It seemed to me that Gardasil arrived on the scene very quickly, and was immediately seized upon by groups of various political backgrounds as either the answer to a question that I didn't know that I had (how can I save my daughter from the inevitable onset of cervical cancer?) or the end of the world (now that they don't worry about HPV, teens will run out and engage in bacchanalian orgies!) A friend of mine worked as a statistician at a pharmaceutical company in New Jersey, and her stories about manipulated drug studies scared the crap out of me. A vaccine is serious business - unlike a daily pill, the drugs course through the ingestor's body for years. I could not shake Atena's thought: How well tested is it?

Haley Swenson at pushback notes:

While we are constantly inundated with new advertisements for new drugs we just must have, we also lack any active or visible public health infrastructure to provide a non-profit driven perspective on these drugs. Merck’s advertising campaign for Gardasil has been one of the biggest ever for any medical technology, and when young women want more information about the drug they visit their doctors, only to be handed a pamphlet produced by, you guessed it, Merck. Within this context of the medical-industrial complex and the complete annihilation of a public health campaign, it’s not unreasonable that even young women would find reason to doubt the effectiveness or necessity of receiving Gardasil.

A lot of women, concerned about their daughters' health and futures, weighed the pros and cons for Gardasil. Because they want to protect their children, they made the decision to have their daughters vaccinated. What happened next is almost the story of any new drug introduced in America these days: it turned out that there were problems.

Loryn Wilson, also at pushback, cites a CNN story about 7,802 "adverse event" reports resulting from Gardasil, ranging from nausea to paralysis, and even death. To be fair, this is out of the 16 million injections given in the United States over the past two years. After reading the report, Loryn wondered, "Shouldn’t there be more tried and true testing of a vaccine and its possible effects before we proclaim that it is a vital part of women’s health?"

I think that the word "vital" is the key to this whole saga. Yes, preventing women from contracting HPV, which can cause cervical cancer, is a vital part of women's health. However, unlike other life-threatening illnesses, say polio, there are ways to prevent the spread of HPV that do not involve vaccinations. We can offer kids comprehensive sex education, letting them know that abstinence is an option and that when one chooses to become sexually active, it is imperative that she demand that her partner use a condom. Helping kids make healthy decisions about sex will serve them well over the course of their entire lives. Instead, Merck's ad campaign implies that the only way to ensure that your daughter doesn't die of cervical cancer is to get her Gardasil, now! And the medical industry is working hard to push that idea. Although earlgreyrooibos at This is What a Feminist Blog Looks Like had an overall fabulous experience at the Austin Women's Health Center, she was disturbed by their push for Gardasil, noting:

Now, I recognize the potential health benefits of Gardasil. If someone wants to get it, I’m not going to stop them. But I’m inherently mistrustful of any vaccine that has been on the market for such a short time. I’m not comfortable getting a vaccine that’s so new, especially when I know other ways to keep myself safe from HPV. Again, if you want it, that’s your business. I just didn’t appreciate being pushed to get it.

Incidentally, in the midst of the controversy over Gardasil's side effects, Ann Bartow at Feminist Law Professors reports that Merck is seeking to expand the use of Gardasil to women over the age of 26 (denied by the FDA), to claim that it covers additional strands of HPV (also denied by the FDA), and for use in boys. At least they are age-blind, equal opportunity profit seekers exploiting the legitimate fears of parents around the world.

Suzanne also blogs about life at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants, about politics at The Political Voices of Women, and about creating positive social change at Just Cause. Her first book is Off the Beaten (Subway) Track

I don't have a personal free for all blog, so I’ll do that here. Today I'm feeling miserable and old, because I'm on my period. People say this is supposed to be a beautiful thing, but I have never felt that way. I have always hated getting my period. My head hurts, I have cramps, I'm swollen and oddly sweaty. I can't even use my salt rock deodorant. I have to use chemical deodorant during these times. And I start getting a bit psycho. I always think my PMS is cancer. I've been getting my period since I was 12 and I still equate getting my period with death. That's pretty sad.

Browne

Oddly in the middle of me proofing this post. My power went out. The universe's way for punishing me for whining about trivial issues...I don't know. 

All people who write usually recommend that would-be writers should "write what you know best." So, in this forum, I decided to talk about what normally stops me from writing--the dreaded notion that it won't amount to anything worthy of publication. I'd be a great mom, I know. Can you imagine saying to your own toddler, "Don't bother crawling, you'll probably never become an olympic athlete"? I don't have kids so this isn't my particular temptation. Rather, my concern is overcoming the grandiosity gene, the one that came into being generations ago in my family. The genetic error seems to say, "Unless your work is amazing, keep it to yourself." Truth be told, my grandfather actually gave my siblings and myself this advice, "If you're wondering whether to do something or not, ask yourself, 'could this action be written about on the front page of The New York Times?'" German philosopher Immanuel Kant had a similar framework--what he termed the categorical imperative: "Act only according to that maxim whereby you can at the same time will that it should become a universal law." 

How does this relate to writing? What are the key differences between my Grandfather & Kant? What do you think?

After dinner yesterday, Rosebud pulled out her dolls. She has very few of these and all are markedly bald. Not from being victimized by Toddler Scissorhands, you understand. Just bald. Fresh out of the package cue-balls.

Anyway, she has three dolls. One nearly newborn size, one medium-sized thing and the third clearly representing the get of Tom Thumb.

I should note that I haven't seen this trio in some time, and never as a package deal. However, once she had them out, it was time to feed them bottles, change them and burp them (With Real! Live! Mama-generated sound effects).

I sat there, happily playing doll-babies with Rosebud, when I suddenly realized we were bottle-feeding these lumps of plastic.

As though cued, the whispy soul of a deceased boob-crew member descended into my soul and took charge of me.

"You know," says she, through my voice, "this isn't the only way to feed babies."

And then, to my horror, she proceeded to give an anatomically specific explanation about breastfeeding. There were nearly charts and diagrams, but I was able to hoist us away from the conveniently located chalkboard.

Honestly, how could this person be . . . PROGRAMMING . . . my not-quite-three-year-old child? How dare they? I stared down in distaste at the medium-sized kewpie thing pressed up against my bosom in some kind of macabre mockery of feeding, wondering how I'd ended up channeling Kellymom without my knowledge.

As hastily as I could, I re-claimed my soul and the toy bottle (Simulates Real Drinking!) with it's toy formula, and carried on with the mindless play, hoping my child hadn't noticed I'd lost mastery over my own body for a moment there.

Now that this horrid body snatching experience is over with, I have this to say: whoever you were, granola-crunchy mama-soul with an agenda, paws off. She'll sort that stuff out later. At least give me until puberty (hers and Juniper's, not mine. Just sayin') to work it out, mmmmkay?

www.wyliekat.com

I have always been a rebel in my own mind.

I’m like a lot of people out there: I adore the notion of myself as daring and fearless when, in fact, there is little about the way I live my day-to-day life that could be considered radical.

I am a working mother. I am a wife. I’m a bit of a smart-ass, but when the chips are down I’m loath to actually offend people. Sure I fly float planes in my spare time and it’s an interesting pursuit, perhaps even brave, but I’m about 60 years late to the revolution.

What I do here, what I write about on Don Mills Diva, is not courageous.  I’m fluffy and I have always owned that. I am a manipulater. At my best I can choose and position my words in such a fashion that the tears and chuckles of my readers are almost involuntary. 

I’m shameless, really.

This blog is not my personal diary and it never will be.  My intimate struggles - and you must trust me when I say I have intimate struggles – are not detailed here.

I am not Mr. Lady, who stood beautiful and alone on stage at BlogHer, read this post, brought the facking house down and goddamn-broke my heart. I am not Maria – she of the shirt - who teases me for saying facking when I really mean…well, you know.

So why did I grab a microphone during a BlogHer discussion entitled Is Mommy Blogging a Radical Act? say “Hell yes, it is!?”

C

www.donmillsdiva.blogspot.com

I'm back from BlogHer '08 and it was such a jam packed weekend, I'm still processing all the great experiences.  The women were as varied as their blogs, the parties were loud and fun, and the event itself ran, from my point of view, flawlessly.

Melissa Silverstein of Women & Hollywood and I had the pleasure of hosting an entertainment bloggers' meet-up and I wanted to use this first post after BlogHer '08 to showcase some of those women and their blogs.  Anyone I don't mention in this post, I will make every effort to mention in upcoming posts.

First a word about the meet-up itself.  After Melissa and I introduced ourselves, we had our bloggers do the same.  The discussion focused on the fact that bloggers have to determine for themselves what constitutes a legitimate story and what doesn't.  Also the different styles that bloggers might use to cover the same story.

I gave the example of the case of "Grey's Anatomy" star Katherine Heigl.  Melissa and I disagree about whether or not she should have been so outspoken recently about her lack of good material on the show.  Melissa thought she was being unfairly criticized because she's a woman.  I thought she was getting David Caruso Syndrome, and deserved some ribbing for thinking she was better than the show and the writers that created her.

My point was that even though it was the same story, our approaches and opinions about it were different and that was reflected in our blog posts.

Call me naive but I was somewhat surprised to find that there weren't only bloggers at our meet-up.  At least ten of the thirty or so people who attended were public relations reps or reps of websites recruiting new blogger content.

I was a little put out by that at first, kind of like having foxes in the hen house, but as it turned out, it was a productive development.  The bloggers were able to pick the brains of the PR reps from the network TNT, one of the BlogHer '08 sponsors, and the PR reps got valuable info about how and why bloggers blog and the best way to approach them.

But on to the bloggers.

There was Laptop Television Mom.  She writes a blog for "working moms who (once upon a time) enjoyed television, movies and random pop culture.  Now, television only happens after the kids go to bed and we go back to work."  Her latest TV post was on the show, "So You Think You Can Dance."

Soapbox Mom writes her own blog and also appears on Blog Talk Radio.  Her most recent radio interview was with author and food critic, Julie Halpert.

Over at Pretty Sandy Feet, Katelin's latest post is a Hollywood roundup featuring comments on Christian Bale's sort of arrest in London for allegedly assaulting his mother and sister, news on Jennifer Garner's pregnancy, and other choice star tid bits.

Others bloggers who attended and sometimes write about entertainment:

Stephanie at Bad Mom had a less than thrilling time at BlogHer '08, but I was pleased she attended our meet-up.

Double Life Of The Red Bull Mom's latest post is a list of things she learned at BlogHer '08.  For example "real women don't eat danish," and "women Love their swag, coffee, and Sesame Street."

A.L. Venable at Dimple and a Smirk calls herself an "insomniac, music evangelist, traveler, Random Citizen"

That's it for now.  To everyone who attended the entertainment bloggers' meet-up, it was great to meet you, and a special shout out to my co-host Melissa.

On a related note, I hosted my own meet-up with women of color bloggers and I wrote a post on that meeting on my own site, Megan's Minute.  Be sure to check those ladies' sites out as well.

Megan Smith is a BlogHer Contributing Editor covering Television and YouTube and she had a grand time at BlogHer '08.  Her other blogs are Megan's Minute, quirky commentary around the clock, and Video Runway.

I recently lived in Stavanger, Norway for two years and loved every moment. I affectionately refer to the area as utopia. The thought of Scandinavia may conjure images of a frozen tundra, but Stavanger is like the 'California' of Norway. It is well-situated on the country's west coast and warmed by the Gulf Stream.

At the right time of year, this area enjoys bright sunny days and is bursting with azaleas and sandy beaches. But the most warmth comes from its kind and welcoming inhabitants. Stavanger is the perfect destination for those in search of adventure as well as families seeking kid-friendliness.

A small city, Stavanger can be seen in a few day’s time, but its
offerings could keep you there for weeks. With direct flights from
Amsterdam and a few other European port cities, it’s also a good
jumping off point for entry into Norway if Bergen and Oslo are also on the list (as they should be).

Gamle Stavanger, or Old Stavanger, is in the town center and is rich in history but relatively undiscovered and light on tourists. Start the day at Hotel Victoria with a cup of no-nonsense Norwegian coffee and an elaborate koldtbord (buffet) breakfast, then step out into the narrow cobbled streets lined with 17th and 18th century wooden buildings. Everything from handmade Norwegian sweaters to the most sophisticated electronics populate window displays in this maze of quaint little shops. All roads eventually lead back to the city's Vågen, a sliver of the North Sea that creates a bustling harbor right in the town square. Though small, it is deep and the harbor hosts cruise ships and trading vessels as high as the tallest surrounding buildings.

During the week, fishermen sell their fresh catch directly from boats and flower stands dot the city square. On Saturdays this ancient inlet is brimming with locals selecting from the Fish Market's array of seafood. Walking up the hill behind the Vågen brings the delightfully vibrant Farmer's Market into view. Much of Norway's food is grown on the outskirts of Stavanger and these industrious farmers are pioneers in hydroponics and greenhouse farming which extends the growing season.

After perusing the area's bounty, continue up the hill toward the Domkirke, Stavanger's historic cathedral. Built in 1125, it is one of the best-preserved medieval cathedrals in all of Europe, and is open to the public.

Wind around the back of the cathedral to breathe in the fresh Nordic air and rest on a bench overlooking the city center's Lake Breiavatnet with a fountain in the center. Now head back down Skagenkaien (street) to N. B. Sørenson's for a light lunch. Make sure to ask for a bottle of Farris, a specialty local sparkling mineral water. After 15-20 years of trickling through glacier ice, it makes its way to a spring and bottling plant located beneath a forested mountain in a neighboring county... and eventually to your lunch table.

A visit to the Arkeologisk (Archeology) Museum is interesting as the Viking culture was one of surprising gender equality for the time. Women were able to inherit property, could serve as speakers at court, and held other important positions in Viking society. This sentiment has continued into modern times and Norway ranks among the highest in parity between men and women lawmakers, and ranks second on the World Economic Forum's 2007 Gender Gap Report. Norway has also had a woman prime minister.

Also on this side of the harbor you can climb Valbergtårnet, a 19th Century watch tower, for a great view of the historic downtown area. Unlike most European cities, everything is built of wood, so until newer technologies were available, this tower was constantly staffed with people monitoring the rooftops for any sign of fire.

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I'm so mad at myself for missing that last weekend was the 160th anniversary of the first (US) women's rights convention at Seneca Falls!

Was it planned or coincidence that Blogher was the same weekend?

Anyway - better late than never - here is my post about it.

It includes some learning activities for all you home schoolers out there too!

Baby-boomer is ok I guess, but pre-senior?... pre-senior - there I finally said it! I like being this age but I don't like the tags people use especially 'pre-senior'. Awhile ago a young friend called me 'older' and referred to her aunt as being 'in your age group'... the sound of it bothered me, I got quiet, she asked me what was wrong, I said nothing's wrong, I lied.

In the weeks to follow I needed to sort through, because I'm obsessed with sorting, why ‘older’ sounds negative after all, I AM older. I'm not in that popular target market age group any more. My kids are nearing 30, there’s their friends, there’s my large family in which I'm the first-born; I have tons of nephews and nieces and at every gathering, except for my parents I am the oldest. They try to be nice by saying 'oLL-der' with the back-and-forth thumb and baby finger tilting hand motion so I shouldn’t be too hurt about their making reference to an age group.

Maybe what’s really bothering me isn’t the word but the question, “why am I bothered?" Especially if I like being the age that I am. I like that I was born in the middle of last century. In the 50s and 60s women were emerging from a stereotype, looking for uniqueness and their own identity; they dropped the ‘r’ from ‘Mrs.’ and Ms was born. I liked ‘Ms’ and used it comfortably through a couple of decades, I’d have retained my sense of identity without it though, but it was a good tag.

Typical workplace and an example of my nearly blurting out, 'What the hay are you asking me?!!’ was when at 21 and applying on a job at a large company, the male interviewer asked me if I was married and when I would be leaving them because I’d decided to get pregnant…  I really wanted the job so I told him I hadn’t given it consideration at this stage in my marriage. I got the job and 2 years later I had my son, took 15 weeks maternity leave and went back to work. My new manager advised me that now that I was a mother I had better realize that my work would still come first in her office… I told her that I work because I have a life and my son is my life, my job performance should speak for itself. Nothing more was said.

Within that decade interview questions in many large companies were modified but not because of me, because of women around and including me. All of us in similar shoes and ready to speak for ourselves and I love that I’m old enough to have seen that change in our society.

I love that I can relate stories to my kids about how life was when my job was replaced with a computer, how you really were good if you typed 60wpm on a manual and if you didn’t greet others on main street people thought you were strange.

We are who we feel we are and what we feel deep down is what we project to the world. I’ve loved every decade I’ve been alive including the ridiculously terrible ones for some of the not-so-brilliant decisions I tended toward, and I plan to continue through a couple more decades and even though my body remembers fitter years, my life-memories, experiences and the legacy I leave with my children is who I am more-so than the digits in my age.

I'm not sure I've actually sorted through why I'm bothered, it's just the reference to an age group after all, but I'm letting it rest for the time being, there's too much other stuff to write about, like everything else that was going on when 60 wpm was fast!

Today I learned that CNN will air a special report this week called Black in America, hosted by Soledad O'Brien. The first part, "The Black Woman & Family", premieres on Wednesday, followed by "The Black Man" on Thursday.

I would like to note that neither CNN nor Ms. O'Brien contacted me for this special. Last time I checked, I was still black and in America. Maybe they'll give me a ring-a-ding next year.

I really liked the Black in America celebrity interviews given by Vanessa Williams and Whoopi Goldberg (featured above). However, I did not appreciate what Bishop T. D. Jakes had to say. I had to transcribe his words myself. Apparently CNN does not realize that not everyone can watch videos on their computer. Also, not everyone is a member of the hearing community. Transcripts would be helpful.

Many, many men are in a dilemma today where they're really trying hard to understand their own worth and their self-esteem. Uh, the woman is excelling educationally and academically and economically often beyond the man. I think cuts to the core of your self-esteem, and men are struggling to find their relevancy in the family today, in a way that we did not experience in the 60s.

And I think years out from now we are going to see huge fallout because there are no fathers in our homes. Fallout in terms of the inability to sustain relationships as adults because you don't understand male language, how men communicate. Well-meaning people trying to hold a relationship together, but don't understand the uniquenesses, and the unique nuances that exist between men and women.

We now think in this generation "men are optional", "fathers are optional", "because I can afford a child, I don't need a man." We don't understand that the contribution goes beyond the paycheck. And I think the emotional fallout is going to be very, very destructive in years to come.

Looky here, Mr. Jakes. Just because I have continued to excel "educationally and academically" does not mean that other people, i.e. men, cannot do the same. Education is not a zero-sum game. I can't horde all the education and prevent other people from getting it. It's not my fault that men supposedly have poor self-esteem because they are "struggling to find their relevancy in the family today". What kind of farkakte logic is that? If these men you are talking about choose to leave their family because they chose not to get an education and therefore cannot provide the kind of paycheck that their educated female partner can, how is that my problem? Why should I be responsible for men who aren't even trying to do something with their lives? I have my own self-esteem issues. As D. L. Hughley says in his celebrity interview, those men need to get out of their own way.

Additionally, most of my closest childhood friends and I did not have fathers. Mine didn't leave voluntarily; he died. His contribution to our family was indeed much more than a paycheck. But when he left, we did get along without him. My mother didn't need a man, and she could afford me. My friends and I didn't need male placeholders in our lives. We needed parents who cared about us, and that is what we had. We turned out very well, often better than some of our peers who had grown up with their two original heterosexual parents.

Furthermore, not every black woman wants to have a child with a man. Not every black person wants to have a child. Not every black woman wants to be with a man, and not every black man wants to be with a woman. Not every black man deserts his family. Overall, I am tired of hearing these same arguments posed as the problem with the black community. As if there aren't white deadbeat dads or Asian deadbeat dads. As if the problems in Latino communities could be solved if only Latinas showed more appreciation for trifling men. I don't think so.

The rest of the special looks enlightening though. Sheryl Lee Ralph (at 2:26) seems like a fun lady. I have nappy roots, too! I'm not happy about it, though others are. My hair doesn't make those fun ringlets. It just grows out angry. Argh.

I admit it- I like to scan People.com a few times a week.  It requires no thought, and I like looking at the pictures of the latest styles- styles I will not have the good fortune to wear, but I like to look at them anyway.

Last week I saw this article on Eva Longoria's new look.  Evidently she has gained some weight and has cut her hair to play her character on Desperate Housewives.  I haven't watched DH in a few years, and it sounds like her character, Gabby, has kids now.

Longoria's rep made this comment to People on her client's new look, "She’s making herself look like that as her character has let herself go. Gabrielle has gained weight and cut her hair,” Liza Anderson tells PEOPLE of Longoria Parker’s character. “She’s a worn out mother with two kids.”

Anderson continues on Longoria's weight gain, "And even that was not enough. She’s also wearing butt pads and a stomach pad to play the part.”

Is this what TV and networks think of mothers now?  That we let ourselves go, and the only way to accurately portray this, is to have a petite actress who is now playing a mom, don butt pads and a stomach pad to look like a tired, worn out, mother who has let herself go?

I don't argue that a lot of mothers are tired and worn out- show me a mother who isn't and I will say she is probably in the minority.  But the assumption that a mother may have put on weight, because she has automatically has let herself go is insulting, and degrading.  Maybe the mother just doesn't have time to work out like she used to.  Maybe it is taking longer for her to lose baby weight- there could be plenty of reasons why a mother has gained weight.

I also take exception to the whole "letting yourself go" concept.  Women are held to such a high standard, and are under such a microscope at times when they become mothers.  If they don't look adorable, cute, and look like they have gained enough weight during pregnancy, then they are looked down on because certainly they are not eating for two and risking their baby's health.  Yet, women that don't immediately shed their baby weight in less than a month, are viewed as "letting themselves go."  God forbid if a mother decides to simplify her life a bit and get her hair cut short too!

Most mothers I know, would love to go to the gym and work out.  Reality is they can't- they are taking care of their children and are working.  Most mothers do have a period where they have to adjust to being a mother, and figure out how to balance it all again in time.  

But in the meantime why the double standard?  Why single out mothers like this?  No one says a fit-in shape, and stylish mother is a bad mother, because if she has time to work out, then she isn't taking care of her kids.  Why do we have to assume that a mother who has less than a perfect body "let herself go?"

What do you think- is this fair to put women into this category, or is this just a situation a lot of women are in that Desperate Houswives is trying to portray?

What kind of ambition drives a woman to appear in a glamour shot on the cover of a nerd magazine under the caption, “Become Internet famous (even if you’re nobody)…Julia Allison and the secrets of self-promotion.” Did you all see the recent Wired cover with Julia Allison? Women on Wired are rare enough, and I read the piece with curiosity after ripping it away from my husband.

Turns out, Allison is the Paris Hilton of the Internet. Through Twitter and constant blogging of her sexy twentysomething life, she’s famous. I was half jealous and half disgusted. When I was a moderately sexy twentysomething, it never would have occurred to me to make hay from my exploits. Who would take you seriously? And how could your ambition be that naked? Then I read the follow up email Julia sent to Wired editor Chris Anderson. Explaining her path to celebrity, Allison writes,

“The true goal was never “fame” at all. I wanted two things: 1) editors to publish my work, 2) people to read my work. I wanted to be like Nora Ephron - able to exist creatively with an audience and relative financial freedom...”

Ah-ha: classic female tactic. Allison claims her ambition is driven by a larger purpose and to fulfill a larger more socially acceptable role. She doesn’t want to be famous for nothing- she wants to be a writer. But still, I have to give the girl credit for creativity. It’s really hard to break through to that editorial page (84% of op-eds are written by men). If Julia Allison can get her body of work quickly noticed by using the virtues of other body parts, well, then I have to consider that. It’s not often you hear a woman so baldly cop to wanting to get ahead. Recently, I have heard many young women leaders at Harvard Business School protest their ambition. At the BlogHer conference, with hundreds of super-successful women in deep discussion, I didn’t hear the talk turn to personal ambition (even in the “Blog to Book” seminar, whose premise was that the hundreds of folks in the room had enough ambition to want to publish a book). Yesterday, a friend who is senior executive at a large company described herself as wanting to physically “shield herself’ from the naked ambition of another colleague when the two women were granted face time with the multinational corporation’s big boss. My own ambition seems to have gone on summer vacation, and I can’t reach her no matter how hard I try.

Psychiatrist and author Anna Fels notes that women have a difficult time copping to desiring personal recognition, and accepting it when it comes. Not the affirmation that comes with fulfilling a role, such as being a doctor or lawyer, and not the affirmation that comes with being part of a mission or larger being that is important. No, the “highly individualized” recognition that comes from just being you.

I went to a panel at BlogHer that featured fantastic women executives in the new/old media space. Stacy Morrison, the editor in chief of Redbook magazine, also wears her ambition on her sleeve. I’ve seen her speak twice now, and it’s remarkable. Her language manages to be both collaborative and baldly ambitious at the same time. She regularly peppers he speech with phrases like, “I knew I wanted to take over the magazine when…” and refers to “her magazine” with the emphasis often reserved for one’s children. But Morrison also said her job is to be “the professional empath” for the 10 million women who read Redbook. This woman is clear, and her ambition, too, is couched in her role as (I’m imagining how she’d paraphrase it here) interpreter of the hopes and dreams of her readers.

I asked Morrison about her phrasing- I said I had literally never heard a woman speak so ambitiously before. She explained it’s because of her clarity of purpose. She’s known what she wants to do with her life since she was a little girl. This “luxury” of clarity means she is unambivalent about being ambitious. She doesn’t need to apologize for it, or temper her language, because she is doing exactly what she has to do, and that is the way it must be.

A major light bulb went on when I heard this. Do I feel less ambitious because I am conflicted about what I am meant to do, to be, on this earth? If I were less ambivalent, and if I knew how I fit in a larger puzzle, would I be ok with saying, “I want to be rich, have a book and maybe a radio show and be a damn good mother”? I'll try to channel my inner Julia and see.

but I would call it lacking. Specifically, lacking in melanin content and quality roles for women. I watched Dr. Horrible today, the online musical created by self-proclaimed feminist Joss Whedon. The three-act production stars both Nathan Fillion of Serenity and Firefly fame, and my favorite child doctor Neil Patrick Harris.

Some say "Dr. Horrible is good!". Some say "Dr. Horrible is Fabulous!". I say it's the same stuff I've been complaining about for two years now. Happy early birthday, blog! It's about two white heterosexual men (including the main character played by "very content gay man" NPH) who fight over a skinny white woman. The woman, named Penny, is younger that both of her male suitors, and she has no real character of her own. Her defining personality traits include doing laundry, volunteering at a homeless shelter and eating frozen yogurt.

Rebecca Allen of A Nerd at Peace writes:

The problem was that the story was so caught up in its trickery—you really liked Dr. Horrible! But he’s eeeeevil! Mwahahaha!—it forgot to not suck. Though to be fair, the parts with Penny had always been kind of weak, because as a character, Penny had absolutely no agency whatsoever. She existed to be Dr. Horrible’s dream girl, and Dr. Horrible was an archetypal Nice Guy through the whole thing. The scenes were cute enough, and Neil Patrick Harris was darling enough, that I gave it the benefit of a doubt. But in the second part, it’s clear Penny exists as a prize for Dr. Horrible. She dates his nemesis, [Nathan Fillion's] Captain Hammer, instead, and that’s what sets off his fall into darkness. She falls for Captain Hammer and never questions his bullshit, even though from the watcher’s POV it’s obvious, which makes her look pretty stupid. She’s generically nice and sweet, but has no other character traits.

So Captain Hammer uses her (both her body for sex and her cause for glory), and it drives Dr. Horrible mad. When Captain Hammer begins to brag publicly about having sex with her, she grows uncomfortable. But before she can actually do anything about it (she seems to be slinking off in shame, but she never speaks about it, never confronts Captain Hammer about it, never takes a decisive action) she is tragically, accidentally killed. Dr. Horrible was trying to kill Captain Hammer, his death ray exploded, Hammer ran off in pain and shock, and she was caught by the shrapnel and dies. But her death gets Dr. Horrible entrance into the Evil League of Evil and turns him into a respectable villain.

The end.

Purtek of The Hathor Legacy writes:

Since it’s Joss Whedon, it’s practically guaranteed to come with high expectations attached, both for quality creative work and, in many circles, for feminist content. On the former, Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog definitely lives up to the hype. On the latter, unfortunately, I have to say that it failed miserably. Of the three characters, Penny is by far the least developed. She’s a sweet, somewhat naive, save-the-world local activist with big, romantic dreams for her life. While the two male characters are also stereotypes in a way, they’re both larger than life, hilarious caricatures, whereas Penny just seems to lack personality. The fact that Dr. Horrible initially falls for her as he encounters her twice weekly in the incredibly mundane setting of the laundromat is fitting, here.

And naturally, in a story with three characters, two male and one female, there is a love triangle at work, and as is often the case, the woman in that story becomes more of a prop at play in the interaction between the two men. The real relationship struggle, the real competition is between Dr. Horrible and Captain Hammer. The reason Penny has lasting appeal to Captain Hammer is because it’s one more front on which he can assert his superiority over Dr. Horrible - while the scene where Captain Hammer assures Dr. Horrible that he will be having sex with Dr. Horrible’s crush was admittedly hilarious, due mainly to Nathan Fillion’s delivery, it depended entirely upon playing out their battle with one another using a woman’s body as a way of scoring points. Worst of all, Penny dies at the end, in exactly the kind of death scene we’ve complained about several times on this site - one that serves almost exclusively to progress the character development of the men in her life. She dies as a result of the competition between the two men, accidentally, by getting in the way. Despite the fact that immediately before Dr. Horrible arrived on the scene, she seemed to be recognizing her boyfriend’s incredible arrogance and selfishness, with her dying breath, she sings “Captain Hammer will save us”. Not only does this show her as the woman to be rescued (if unsuccessfully), the main point of having her say it was to take away that last thing that made Dr. Horrible want to be…not horrible, and cement his commitment to proving himself as the most evil person alive.

I agree with both assessments, which I found on Joss Whedon's fan site under the July 20 entry. Commenter rufustfyrfly summed up my second problem with Dr. Horrible:

. . . [the musical] had exactly no named characters of color. Yet another bizarro parallel universe in which Southern California is mostly white.

Come on, Joss. We know you can do better than this! I push because I love.

Almost every person in the entire musical was white and male. Seriously. Even in the dedication of the homeless shelter, almost every person in the room was white. There was one possibly Asian woman who had a singing part, but she had to share all of her screen time with her two white friends.

This kind of nonsense is plausibly excusable when your production is governed by media conglomerates like Viacom or NBC Universal or Time Warner or Disney. But Mr. Whedon, when you decide to create a project with no strings attached, and you have complete creative freedom, you should do better. Especially if you call yourself a feminist, a label which some question.

Here are some related perspectives on Dr. Horrible:

...but., by elisha at sixth_light.

Dr. Horrible, or Why I'm So Pissed Off, by per_maybe_haps.

Blogging along with Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, by Holly at Feministe.

Also, here is Why film schools teach screenwriters not to pass the Bechdel test, by BetaCandy at The Hathor Legacy.

Finally, I leave you with Joss Whedon's Equality Now speech via Mother Jones:

A conversation that has been visited a few times between friends is
"What if?". The question that follows usually has something to do with
a social injustice or being present at the time of a horrific atrocity.

What if you grew-up in the South during the 1700's and your family owned slaves, would you know it was wrong?

What
if you lived in Central or Eastern Europe during the 1930's - 40's and
were asked to hide your Jewish neighbors, would you oblige?

What
if you were a student at Little Rock Central High School in 1957, would
you share your lunch table with the Little Rock Nine?

The list is endless and presumably easy to answer.

I pride myself having female friends that are extremely well-rounded individuals and selfless to a fault. Of course we would all know slavery was cruel and inhumane. Of course we would have helped anyone being persecuted by the Nazis and there is no question that we would have shared not only our table, but our lunch with anyone in need.

As previously stated, these are the presumed easy answers.

We
were all raised knowing a collective right from wrong. We were also
raised during a period of equality and idealism. Gone are the days that
the only career options for women were nurse, teacher or secretary.
Having our sex, race or religion scrutinized for an occupation, a
science grant or to have an acknowledged opinion in a conversation has
never been of great concern. It is easy for us to shake our heads and
say, "I would never stand for that."

Nujood Ali is a name you
may not know. She is a ten year old Yemenite who has recently been
granted a divorce from her 30-something year old husband.

I'll let that process.

Miss
Ali was betrothed to this man as dictated by local custom. Her family
was promised that she would remain a virgin in his presence until she
was at least 20 years old. However, she was regularly beaten and raped
by her husband and when she sought a divorce, the courts followed
Islamic Sharia law: her husband was not prosecuted, but compensated
financially for losing property.

I'm saddened and outraged. Not
only do I find this story sickening, I think the public response is
even more appalling. Miss Ali is shunned in her town and doesn't leave
her home. She is a source of shame.

It's so easy for me to say these things; I live in a literate society where the exchange of ideas is encouraged.

There
is a push to help others, but I wonder if the help is always welcomed?
Who am I to say another persons religious beliefs contradict my own set
of ethics and are therefore wrong? After all, tolerance of other is what I was taught.

When is that line crossed?

Until I figure it out, donations to Oxfam International encouraged.

Get Off The Old Bra - Emergency Help! GOTOBEH!

Do you feel like everyone else has perfect looking boobs and not you? Do you not like your boobs very much? I did not use to like mine! I could never find a bra that felt right. I was convinced that there was something wrong with my boobs, they did not fit in with what was supposed to be normal. They could not be normal because the bras just did not fit them!

Today I know I have normal boobs, everyone can get normal boobs with the right sized bra! The measuring systems told me I was a 38 D and so I never questioned it. When I started to question it I finally realized I was a 32 FF! I get really upset just writing about this even though a few years have passed. How can the measuring systems be so totally wrong?!! I simply have to help women find their right bra size! This is my passion in life!

A lot of a womans confidence lies in her boobs there is no question about that. They accompany us everywhere we go and no matter what size they are they should feel comfortable and we should not have to bother about them. They should just stay in place what ever you do! With the right size they do even if you have enormous boobs! And your tops will look fabulous all of a sudden! 

If you have small boobs a bra in the right size can do magic with you confidence. If you believe you are a size 36 A you will get an instant boob job and a real confidence booster when you find out you are a 32 D!

Do yourself a favour and GOTOBEH!

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PS Join my contest where you can win 150$!

 I was having a discussion with an ex-boyfriend of mine this morning whom I haven't been with (dating wise) since we broke up after New Years but have still "been" with each other since then too. Sorry, that was a mouthful. We've been discussing birth control for the past few days. We feel that we (I) should really get on it soon which is the right thing to do. Of course this is considering that we're both adults, we've already had a pregnancy mishap, he's already a father of two children and neither one of us is ready for a baby.

 Now, this isn't the first time we've considered getting on the pill. I would have been on it sooner but health complications didn't permit me to be.

 Well, everything has been going well with us lately. We've managed to find this "happy medium" where we're seeing each other but we aren't seeing each other. I joke that it's more like him having his cake and eating too which seems to be the reality of our situation. Maybe I like to make it a joke so that my heart doesn't get into it. Anyway, that's not the reason I was compelled to share my little mental/emotional perplexity on BlogHer.

 During our conversation on birth control today, he made a few comments. Usually his comments are just for reactions purposes and are mostly empty thoughts he didn't process completely. I've learned to ignore most of them. Well... after sending him a link to a birth control site and listing the things I didn't like about a particular brand, my ex thought it funny to say, "maybe I should get a vasectomy." Not paying much mind to the silly comment I quickly disregarded it but then he followed with, "would you still marry me if I didn't want anymore kids?"

 Those parent/child text messaging commercials come to mind: WTF OMG!

 Now, this was coming from a man that broke up with me because he has emotional and commitment issues and he just wants to play around. What guy doesn't? Atleast he's honest, right?

 Seeing that him and I aren't really anything close to a "boyfriend-girlfriend" relationship, my response was: how about you ask me that question when you think you might want to marry me?

 Was that harsh? Should I have entertained his question knowing it's just another one of his "hook launches" that he likes to plant in my head to ensure my being around? Then he only confirmed my hasty yet, adequate assumption by his next response being, "you're right, what's the sense in getting married if you don't plan on having kids." Which was followed by a "lol."

 Did I forget to mention that this was a conversation on AIM?

 I believe this deserves a GRRR!!!

 Here's my perplexity- Why do men feel compelled to always throw these hooks at us? Is it even necessary to create these false hopes? Put these ideas in our heads?

 Say what you mean, mean what you say!

 My ex knows that I know he doesn't want to get married (again) and while I believed for quite a while that him and I might one day have this future together, he knows that I know that he's made it clear that he just won't love me that way. So, why do the hook & rell game?

 It becomes annoying and the worst part is that after I sit there and see it for what it is (emptiness) I still wonder and take it into consideration- letting that hook grasp onto my skin.

 Of course, my ex doesn't know any of this.

 Are all men like this? Is this part of the dating game? Does there even have to be a game? Or, is my guard up too high and maybe just maybe this man does think of me being a woman he marries?

 Sigh... I guess I should get back to work.

I'll admit my finger is not exactly on the pulse of Hollywood happenings. I have far too much going on in my life to add celebrity watching to the list. However, when there is a natural or home birth in Hollywood (things near and dear to my heart), the news usually crosses my path one way or another. And so I was both surprised and pleased to read yesterday that Jessica Alba's new daughter Honor Marie Warren was born via a natural hypnobirth. Hypnobirthing - the Mongan Method - "is a unique method of relaxed, natural childbirth education, enhanced by self-hypnosis techniques."

Jessica told OK! magazine:

"I didn't scream," Jessica tells OK! in an exclusive interview and photoshoot. "It was really Zen." And Cash could only marvel at his wife's quiet strength when she gave birth. "She didn't make a sound," he says. "It was amazing."

"The labor was more like meditation," she says. "I did yoga breathing. I was focused."

While Jessica was pregnant, she told FitPregnancy about her birth plan:

I want to spend as much of my labor as possible at home, and I'm taking a HypnoBirthing class. It's a relaxation technique that allows you to avoid going into panic mode and tightening up. If you are calm and relaxed, your body will just do what it has to do.

Hypnobirthing classes are taught in format of five 2 1/2-hour classes or four 3-hour classes. I took the classes myself in preparation for childbirth when I was pregnant with my first child. Some women who practice Hypnobirthing report relatively pain-free labors and births, describing the sensations as those of discomfort and pressure, but not painful. While I wouldn't say either of my two births were exactly pain-free (though I didn't experience pain with my second birth until I was in transition), I was notably calm for both of my labors and feel that Hypnobirthing was very helpful to me in learning to go within myself and tune out the world. I also feel it helped make my children's entrances into the world as peaceful and serene as possible.

There are plenty of women blogging about their experiences with Hynobirthing.

TurleyBenson writes:

Hypnobirthing is part-pain management, part-breathing method, part-life philosophy that holds as one of its core messages that giving birth doesn't have to be excruciatingly painful or traumatic. The "hypno" part refers more to learning to self-hypnotize, or really just relax to a point of letting go of the fear and tension that usually accompanies birth, thus decreasing the pain.

She also jokes around and says that due to her partner's suggestible nature, he should be the one having the baby.

I've learned in our classes that the correct word to describe this ability of Mike's is suggestible. Mike is highly, highly suggestible.

Last night's class was a sort of wake up call for me. Firstly, our instructor led us in a relaxation exercise, and quite literally, by the time she was 10 seconds into it, Mike was almost snoring. Not only is this just AMAZING, but it distracted me to the point that I had a tougher time getting into it. I just sat there thinking, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY !

Candace at Love Makes a Family (who is due any day now) wrote about her first Hypnobirthing class:

I definitely have a lot of anxiety and fear even thinking about labor and this class is all about conquering that. And I love the entire theory around the hypnobirthing and how she was talking about everyone just being programmed into thinking labor is painful. I mean, have you ever heard someone not mention pain and labor in the same sentence?

Tiffany at Nature Moms Blog has had two hypnobirths. She feels that Hypnobirthing is "like deep meditation and focus" and that "it teaches you to withdraw into yourself during labor and take control of your pain and your birth experience."

Mama Hope at Hippie Dippie Bebe (who has also had a hypnobirth) wrote about Finding Your Personal Childbirth Approach:

As far as the subject of “pain” and the process of birth, most natural methods, including Hypnobirthing and the Bradley Method are based on the work of Dr. Grantly Dick-Read, who noticed that cultures that do not teach women to fear birth tend to have amazingly smooth, stress free births — in the same way that animals giving birth simply go to a quiet, private place, relax, get into a zone, and “just do it."

Cindy Unger, a Hypnobirthing educator who blogs at Chicago Hypnobirthing, expresses her frustration when health care providers require Hypnobirthing moms to push instead of "breathe their baby down" as is instructed in the classes.

Babies are born beautifully and calmly if mom just lets her body do all the work. Trust the process. Follow this advice: "Purina's Handbook of Cat Care advises owners to pet the laboring cat reassuringly and leave her on her own. She may stay in the box; on the other hand, don't be surprised if she doesn't. The best thing to do at this point is to do nothing. Keep quiet and do not attempt to help her - it's her problem. Mother nature usually takes over at this point and it is amazing to see how she goes about doing what comes naturally."

Carol, a Certified HypnoBirthing practitioner who blogs at A Well Lived Life, posted a Hypnobirthing testimonial that was sent to her.

There is absolutely nothing that has been a more rewarding/organic experience as the morning my firstborn entered this world. Without the skills that are instructed in HypnoBirthing, I would not have been so sure of my commitment to going totally natural, nor would I have had the discipline to stick with the initial pains of nursing. My surrender to a more healthful, less risky approach was a form of empowerment that has made me a stronger person, and to this day I use the same skills to get through physical pain, as well as to find calm during those days I wish I could just bury my head in the sand.

While Hypnobirthing may not be right for every woman, it has helped many women achieve a comfortable birthing experience and is certainly an option worth exploring. To learn more about Hypnobirthing, visit the official site.

Contributing editor Amy Gates writes about attachment parenting, activism, green living and photography at Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

According to its report released Monday, the Department of Health
and Human Services is seeking to change the definition of “abortion”
used to determine which services can be provided or referred at a
facility receiving federal funds. As RH Reality Check reports,
there are two commonly used understandings of when a pregnancy begins:
conception (fertilization of the egg by the sperm) and implantation (of
the fertilized egg into the uterine lining).

The report states:

A 2001 Zogby International American Values poll revealed
that 49% of Americans believe that human life begins at conception
[...] Both definitions of pregnancy inform medical practice. Some
medical authorities, like the American Medical Association and the
British Medical Association, have defined the term “established
pregnancy” as occurring after implantation. Other medical authorities
present different definitions. Stedman’s Medical Dictionary, for
example, defines pregnancy as “[t]he state of a female after conception
and until the termination of the gestation.”

The HHS report is suggesting that the definition of pregnancy be
changed from the definition established by the American Medical
Association and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists
to one defined by…I’m not quite sure. RH Reality Check suggests that
this change is being determined by polling data, but unless some of the
sample said they didn’t know, or they have some creative ideas about
when pregnancy begins, 49% is not a majority. In any case, HHS is
proposing that we change the definition of pregnancy from what has been
established by medical bodies of experts to another definition
established by…the Bush administration.

This new definition is highly problematic. Pregnancy would now be
defined as occurring upon fertilization, and with no test for
fertilization, women who utilize federally-funded health facilities can
be turned away for contraceptive services on a whim. And as feministingnotes,
the women who will be the most affected are low-income and uninsured
women. Not to mention that claims that certain contraceptives prevent
implantation after fertilization are scientifically unproven. From RH
Reality Check:

There is no scientific evidence that hormonal methods of
birth control can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in the womb.
This argument is the basis upon which the religious right hopes to
include the 40% of the birth control methods Americans use, such as the
pill, the patch, the shot, the ring, the IUD, and emergency
contraception, under the classification “abortion.”

What happens then is that the decision of whether or not something
counts as an abortifacient is up to the individual…doctor or nurse (of courseit’s not up to the individual woman!). And since the proposal also includes
mandating that doctors and nurses who are “conscientious objectors” not
be “discriminated” against in hiring practices by facilities receiving
federal funds, we have a recipe for disaster for women’s reproductive
rights.

So we have an HHS report that refutes the definition of pregnancy
made by medical experts, uses unscientifically proven claims about how
contraception functions vis-a-visfertilization
and implantation in order to redefine the contraceptive methods that
40% of women use as abortifacients, and enables federally-funded
medical facilities to deny the most economically vulnerable women basic
contraceptive services. And this from the “family values”
administration who seems to loathe single women receiving social welfare, considering their perspective on the Temporary Assistance to Needy Familiesprogram.

This also comes from our President who chastises reporters for using
the term “recession” in discussing the state of our economy, since
reporters aren’t economic “experts.” As we see here, what the experts
say doesn’t mean all that much to Bush when it comes to reproductive
rights and pandering to the religious right’s agenda.

As I get ready for BlogHer 08
tomorrow, I would like to share some thoughts that have brewing around
in my head regarding female figures that have guided my life.

When
I was in High School, I used to think that I would have done ok in the
pre-womens rights era, or what my little high school brain thought of
as "the fifties." I liked doing domestic things, I thought raising
kids seemed like an agreeable lifestyle, and I liked retro clothes.

The
other day I was driving in my car singing along with Regina Spektor,
"Hey remember that time when we found the human tooth, down on
Delancy," and I realized that in no way would I have ever survived the
fifties, despite what fantasies of red lipstick and aprons I may have
had when I was in High School. I am much less conventional than I
thought!

And for that, there are a few women I would like to
thank. Some are fictional, some are "real," and some were even around
in the "fifties," and I don't know any of them on a personal basis,
but, at various points in my life, all of them have given me permission
to be exactly who I am today. A mix of conventional, unconventional,
good, naughty, sassy, sweet... I am comfortable in who I am and who I
want to be.

Ramona Quimby

She
worried all the time, like me. When most other kids in books I read
were depicted as carefree, I felt comforted knowing that there was
another kid who was worrying out there.

Adventures in Babysitting: Chris Parker

Ok,
so it was irresponsible to take a group of kids into the city at night
in order to rescue her best friend from the terrifying big city bus
station. But Chris is totally in charge through out the entire movie.
Would a weak character tell this to a gang?

Anne of Green Gables

She
taught me that you don't have to think about boys all the time in order
to end up with the love of your life. She pursued her educational and
professional dreams, took care of Marilla and Matthew, built great
friendships, calmed her temper... and he was still there when she was
ready.

Regina Spektor...

...Kate Nash...

...and Lilly Allen.

For writing sassy, quirky lyrics.

Bridget Jones

She's a complete nutcase, but she's our heroine and we love her, "Just the way she is."

Elsiecake

(photo by elsie)

For inspiring me to have strength, conviction, and delight in my own creative abilities.

Again, these are just a few. There are billions more that will come to mind over time, but you gotta start somewhere!

(originally published on http://cereals.pnn.com)